Has anybody said to you that you shouldn’t be like that?
Has anyone ever told you how you should behave, how you should think, what you should or shouldn’t say or do? Has anyone laid the sins of their world at your door – their life is a mess because of you and your actions.
Perhaps you’ve been the one dishing out the judgement. Maybe you have – just once or twice in your life – told someone they should be different. Maybe you have expected someone to think and act as you think that they should.
Perhaps you shouldn’t be like that!
As human beings we are very good at thinking our way is the right way. And IT IS. It is exactly the right way for US. But not for everyone else.
In my clinic I often hear people call themselves perfectionists and they believe that their perfection should rub off on others. That the people around them should behave in the same way because it’s the only ‘right’ way. Often the people who they are badgering go out and do the opposite because they are so fed up with being told they’re wrong all the time.
So, when it comes to adult to adult communication let me be a little bit controversial here :
Do you have any right to tell someone else how to be any more
than they have the right to tell you that you shouldn’t be like that?
What are the options?
What you do have a right to do is to let them know how you feel when they behave a certain way and give them a choice about whether they change their behaviour or not. Once they have decided NOT to change that gives you a choice of whether to compromise or change your own perspectives or move on but does it give you the right to consistently tell them they’re wrong, even if you believe it from the bottom of your heart. They are wrong for you but they have decided that their actions are right for themselves and they are prepared to live with the consequences even if you’re not.
What a dilemma this is. Relationships fall apart because of this need in us to change another person who doesn’t want to be changed and we need to ask ourselves “If I want him / her to be so different to how he / she is; shouldn’t I go and find someone who’s more like that”. I appreciate this isn’t a simple or easy step to take and is often tied up with responsibility, duty, finances and many other factors. The trouble is that all the while you are trying to change someone you are wearing yourself out in a battle you can only lose. That person will very likely become more and more resentful. Just as you would if someone were doing the same to you.
Find some peace if you can. Allow others to be just as they are without trying to change them. Enjoy the good in them where possible. Compromise where it feels OK to you. Let them go if necessary. Allow yourself the space, time and peace to love yourself. I’ve often observed that those people who have the most trouble in external relationships have not mastered their relationship with themselves. There are plenty of books, tapes and therapists out there to help you if you want to learn to love yourself more and my next blog will deal with just that theme too.
I do hope these suggestions help because I don’t have the right to tell you how to think!
With respect
Bee
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